I’m going to be really honest here. I found this cool photo (lovingly borrowed from: Noell S. Oszvald, who I think is truly amazing) and I thought: “Hey, it’s like a depiction of our dark, shadowy side, cool! But look, the scary shadow creates her wings! If only she could see she had wings! Neat-o!”
And so I didn’t really think about it much, made a new post and called it “Loving Your Dark Side”, attached the pic, saved it as a draft and walked away from the computer.
I’m trying to believe this wasn’t a self-fulfilling prophecy or something, as it will start putting me off writing certain posts (there goes that post I was considering about malevolent spirits…), but then I proceeded to have a pretty major emotional meltdown. Epic, emotional, meltdown. The kind which later prevents the use of contact lenses due to puffy eyes. The kind which when you later get through it, you wonder what evil spirit it was that possessed your body for that evening and made you do all those horrible things (Note that evil spirits sometimes reside inside a bottle of Gin. Trust me on this one). The kind which means you take your bad vibes out and sprinkle it around your loved ones, your own electrochemical-emotional bad-vibes-throwing version of the holi festival. Leave no emotional baggage unturned! Get it out there! MAKE IT RAIN!
These were the reasons for my meltdown, in no particular order:
- It was the Full Moon.
- It was the Full Moon, and Susan Miller told me it was a scary one, so there’s that.
- I was about to start my period.
- Periods are the worst.
- It was Thanksgiving and I live like a bazillion miles away from my family.
- My mom is a jerk.
I am a jerk.
- My husband is working a lot and I miss him.
- I’m doing all this healing work, and soaking up all these vibes, and maybe I’m just not clearing them all the way.
- There were some Ikea delivery dudes here earlier this week that had majorly bad vibes. I smudged the house with sage afterwards ‘like whoa’, but you never know, right? I blame Ikea, essentially, and the entire PAX wardrobe system, for that matter.
- I’m starting this new blog and my Shamanic business practice at the same time, so I’m overworked, knackered and riding the emotional entrepreneurial roller coaster, which ranges from ‘Hold On Tight!’ to ‘That Was Pretty Cool, Yay Me!’ to ‘Maybe-My-Mom-Was-Right-And-I-Should-Really-Just-Become-A-Chartered-Accountant-Even-Though-I’m-Really-Quite-Bad-At-Maths’.
The real reason for my meltdown is me. Just me. Nobody else. It would be amazing if I could blame it someone else, or any of those crap reasons from above, but…nope. Just me.
Little ol’ me, with lots of wounds still under my skin, and a big ol’ sword of cat-shit meanness I like to swing around when anyone gets too close to things that still hurt.
Like when I think my mother doesn’t really want to visit me for Christmas.
Like when I think about the fact that I really do live a bazillion miles away from my family, and at the current rate that means I’ll only see them about another 25 times before many of them start passing away (not an exaggeration).
Like when I realise that my life choices, which make me super happy, create huge pain for another people, which makes me feel super selfish.
Like when I share something that is hurting me and my husband laughs. Not a mean-hearted laugh, just a laugh of disbelief, which instantly triggers an enormous fear about getting humiliated in emotional situations. So I lash out instead.
Like when I worry all of this means that I’m not capable of being a healer. How can I possibly be responsible for helping other people?
But this is part of the beauty of Shamanism, it embraces duality. From the Shamanistic perspective, life is not one-sided and only full of love, light, pleasure and joy. Things hurt, people piss us off, we lose our jobs, money evaporates just as we need it. Planes fall from the sky. Children get cancer. Still convinced the world is only love and light? Right, get back to me when you can explain all the woes of world away with this ‘love & light’ business. I’ll be here waiting for you with this bottle of Gin
evil spirit. Take your time.
My great-grandma used to say that when trouble comes in the front door, love goes out the back door.
My version of this is: when trouble comes in the front door, ‘love & light’ goes out the back door.
The truth is that there are always two sides at work: dark and light.
To love and be grateful for both sides is wisdom.
Use these moments to see what parts of you are yet unloved, what wounds could use a review. Irregardless of whatever we have or have not done we are still worthy of love, still valid, still useful, still important, still a part of this great web of the Universe.
Just like the image in this post, if we’d only look our fears and wounds in the face, we could see the truth.
If only we could see that we have wings.
Had a meltdown recently? Yeah, me too. Anything you want to share about being on the spiritual path, major meltdowns or forgiving yourself – post it below in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.